polyglot conspiracy

Via LinguistList, here’s an AP story about Southern dialects and their change, and sometimes decline (according to the article).

Across the fast-growing South, accents are under assault, and not just from the modern-day Henry Higginses of academia. There’s the flood of transplants from other regions, notions of Southern upward mobility that require dropping the drawl, and stereotypes that “y’alls” and “suhs” signal low status or lack of intelligence…

Even as the stereotypical Southern accent gets rarer, other speech patterns take its place, and they’re not any less Southern. The Upland South accent, a faster-paced dialect native to the Appalachian mountains, is said to be spreading just as fast as the plantation drawl disappears.

“The one constant about language is, it’s always changing,” [UGa's Bill] Kretzschmar said. “The Southern accent is not going anywhere. But you have all kinds of mixtures and changes.”

As I often wonder what prompted AP feature stories to be written, I wonder what prompted the writing of this story right about now. I can’t help but speculate it might have something to do with Katrina bringing more attention to Southerners, and also questioning the future of the South in general - where NOLA is a place with a very distinctive, and oft-discussed, dialect. NOLA isn’t mentioned in the article, but it seems like something that could’ve started a train of thought, and at any rate I am interested in what will happen to NOLA dialect speakers. Thoughts?

PS - “Modern-day Henry Higginses of Academia”?! Do such people exist?

I came across this sign in a restroom at the Portland, OR Saturday Market:

It’s a more common slip than you’d think, though how it happens doesn’t seem all that obvious to me. All I know is that it makes me want to start saying to people, “Dude, you were solid wasted last night!”

Confirming what professional Scrabble player Marlon Hill pointed out on this blog a few weeks ago (and as was also discussed, but to an extent perhaps not clearly enough, in Word Wars), an article in The Chronic, er, Chronicle of Higher Education presents a study about the non-wordiness of Scrabble. The following excerpt comes via The Tensor and Mike Pope. Actually the latter got it from the former, but I saw the latter’s post first, and at any rate I sympathize with Mike’s being a “language person” who sucks at Scrabble, despite expectations from everyone that you should rule.

Diane F. Halpern, a professor of psychology at Claremont McKenna College who has just finished a study of top Scrabble players’ cognitive skills, says the best players do not play the same game as the rest of us.

“We play as if we are using the English language,” says Ms. Halpern. “They do not. For them it is a very spatial game. We think of it as a point game laid out on a board. They think along an axis, where point values occupy a place in space.”

I think Spellbound taught us that spelling, too, is not really about the words. What’s next? Finding out that Win, Lose, or Draw isn’t about artistic ability? That Girl Talk isn’t about being a girl? That winning Monopoly is just about getting a good string of die* rolls?** Er. If you subscribe to the Chronic, please email me your subscription information so I can hijack it.

Speaking of spelling, from the MWM files: the other day in Portland, Oregon, I saw a haircutter’s sign that said something about hair cuts, then below it said “Men Woman.” I was glad to know that I, Woman, was welcome for a cut, as was the whole of my slightly-more-than-half of the species.

*I just learned that the singular is spelled like this. I always thought it was e-less, as in Lady ___.
**I think this is actually true.

Ok, ok, I know I said I would only write about CMC at the Soicolx and CMC blog now. Truth is, I can’t bring myself to quit! Well, that and I’m not sure what the academic worth really is of this nugget, but it’s at least entertaining. Jason sent me this, which tells of certain literary classics now translated into text message alphanumerophoneticspeaklanguagelingo:

Literary classics have been condensed into text messages as a study aid for students.

The Complete Works of Shakespeare - including Hamlet’s “To be or not to be?” speech, Milton’s Paradise Lost and Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales have all been abbreviated.

Charles Dickens’ Bleak House and Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice have also been cut down to size.

Milton’s Paradise Lost becomes: “Devl kikd outa hevn coz jelus of jesus&strts war.pd’off wiv god so corupts man(md by god) wiv apel.devl stays serpnt 4hole life&man ruind. Woe un2mnkind.”

The translation, approved by Prof John Sutherland, Fellow of the Royal Society of Literature, read: “The devil is kicked out of heaven because he is jealous of Jesus and starts a war.

“He is angry with God and so corrupts man (who is made by God) with an apple. The devil remains as a serpent for the whole of his life and man is ruined. Woe unto mankind.”

Professor Sutherland, chairman of this year’s Man Booker Prize, says the service “amply demonstrates text’s ability to fillet out the important elements in a plot”.

I am very confused by the with>wiv formation; is that perhaps another British thing I don’t know about? The article also does not mention how the text messages are sent: is this like a to-order Cliffs Notes service for lazy students, or what?

I did learn from the article that Dickens used to be a shorthand writer. Which brings me to my next subject. The other day, Max gave me a wondrous gift, the Speedwriting Dictionary published in 1977 by Bobbs-Merrill. First of all, it looks like “Boobs-Merrill,” but nevermind. Second of all, it’s the “Secondary Edition.” Secondary? Not just second? This got my friends and I wondering if it was for someone at a higher level of speedwriting, not just an updated version; or, if it is like a supplementary companion to the “primary” edition.

I kind of found an answer, though I’m not totally satisfied: The other (non-college) edition is called the Premier Edition, which at least explains why the unconventional “secondary” instead of “second.” However, according to some publisher, Premier was published in 1978 while Secondary was published in 1977. Explanations? I can get the lingo, but I don’t get the date reversal that goes along with it: why would someone publish an auxiliary or otherwise, well, secondary version BEFORE the primary version? (This all assumes the publisher dates are right - I don’t have my book with me to check [as tempting as it was to try to learn shorthand over Thanksgiving break...].)

Happy Thanksgiving!

#5:

Good Missionary Bad Missionary: Rethinking the Missionary Position in the Americas

-Title of a panel at the American Anthropological Association’s upcoming Annual Meeting

My sister (thanks!) just sent this delightful McSweeney’s piece, which is very topical given my post a few days ago about Scott McClellan’s absurdities: HIDING THE BALL IN PRESIDENTIAL INTERVIEWS: HOW THE LIBERAL MEDIA CAN FINALLY ASK THE QUESTIONS THEY’RE DYING TO ASK. The reason she sent it is this little paragraph:

In my journalistic pursuits, I have traveled the nation, interviewing Americans in small towns to try to get a feel for the attitudes of the masses toward their elected officials. As you have undoubtedly heard, Mr. President, support for the war in Iraq is waning, not only in big cities but in the heartland as well. I’m reminded of an older gentleman I encountered in the tiny hamlet of Hale, Missouri—fairly solid Bush country in both 2000 and 2004. He tells me that many of his doubts and fears about the war could be assuaged if you would accept the Hale Town Council’s standing invitation for you to come speak at the local high school, laying out the successes in Iraq not reported by the liberal media. So I ask you, President Bush, why don’t you just go to Hale?

This isn’t just a clever pun on “hell” for my sister and me. This is family business: our relatives are three of the mere 473 residents of Hale, Missouri, which is an actual place where actual people live and it’s located somewhere around here:

But my question: what dialect pronounces hell like /heyÉ™l/? ‘Cause that’s how Hale is pronounced. (According to this website, Pittsburghers might.)

Today happens to also be the birthday of our Hale-residing teenage cousin. Happy birthday, Jacob!

Another parody site (remember Enemyster? did that ever take off?): Uncyclopedia is “the content-free encyclopedia that anyone can edit.” I immediately came across the entry for Gibberish:

Gibberish is a European language spoken on the windswept steppes of the British-controlled Iberian region of Gibraltar. Linguists classify Gibberish as a Romance language, because the only time it is heard is in public houses, being used to pick up women. To the untrained ear, Gibberish may sound like a combination of French, Spanish and Howler monkey. In reality, Gibberish has more in common with Portuguese, Italian, Romanian and Spider monkey. Gibberian people will tell you that theirs is a rich and varied history and that their language reflects this history. They are full of shit.

The “In the News” and “Did you know?” sidebars are very funny, and some other mildly humorous entries include: Alternate Universes I Seriously Hope Do Not Actually Exist (#1: The Alternate Universe where Wikipedia tells the truth and Uncyclopedia tells lies), Internet-speak, Abbreviation, All Your Base Are Belong to Us, and Black People.

It also contains a news site, very Onionesque, though of course nothing compares to the Onion, no way no how no sir no ma’am sorry.

Here’s an excerpted transcript from a White House press briefing earlier this week, ripe for a Gricean analysis of how not to have a conversation. Look at Scott McClellan go, he’s breaking quantity, relevance, manner, AND quality! All at once! W. really knows how to pick ‘em.

Quality

MR. McCLELLAN: No, he has not. Are you claiming he’s asked for an exemption on torture? No, that’s —

Q He did not ask for that?

MR. McCLELLAN: — that is inaccurate.

Q Are you denying everything that came from the Hill, in terms of torture?

MR. McCLELLAN: No, you’re mischaracterizing things. And I’m not going to get into discussions we have —

Q Can you give me a straight answer for once?

Relevance

Q Can you give me a straight answer for once?

MR. McCLELLAN: Let me give it to you, just like the President has. We do not torture. He does not condone torture and he would never —

Q I’m asking about exemptions.

MR. McCLELLAN: Let me respond. And he would never authorize the use of torture. We have an obligation to do all that we can to protect the American people. We are engaged —

Q That’s not the answer I’m asking for —

MR. McCLELLAN: It is an answer — because the American people want to know that we are doing all within our power to prevent terrorist attacks from happening. There are people in this world who want to spread a hateful ideology that is based on killing innocent men, women and children. We saw what they can do on September 11th —

Q He didn’t ask for an exemption —

MR. McCLELLAN: — and we are going to —

Q — answer that one question. I’m asking, is the administration asking for an exemption?

Manner

MR. McCLELLAN: And let me respond. You’ve had your opportunity to ask the question. Now I’m going to respond to it.

Q If you could answer in a straight way.

MR. McCLELLAN: And I’m going to answer it, just like the President — I just did, and the President has answered it numerous times.

Q — yes or no —

MR. McCLELLAN: Our most important responsibility is to protect the American people. We are engaged in a global war against Islamic radicals who are intent on spreading a hateful ideology, and intent on killing innocent men, women and children.

Q Did we ask for an exemption?

MR. McCLELLAN: We are going to do what is necessary to protect the American people.

Q Is that the answer?

MR. McCLELLAN: We are also going to do so in a way that adheres to our laws and to our values. We have made that very clear. The President directed everybody within this government that we do not engage in torture. We will not torture. He made that very clear.

Q Are you denying we asked for an exemption?

MR. McCLELLAN: Helen, we will continue to work with the Congress on the issue that you brought up. The way you characterize it, that we’re asking for exemption from torture, is just flat-out false, because there are laws that are on the books that prohibit the use of torture. And we adhere to those laws.

….later that same press conference…

Q Scott, are you saying that Cheney did not ask —
Q What is it that you want the — what is it that you want the CIA to be able to do that the U.S. Armed Forces are not allowed to do?

MR. McCLELLAN: I’m not going to get into talking about national security matters, Bill. I don’t do that, because this involves —

Q This would be the exemption, in other words.

MR. McCLELLAN: This involves information that relates to doing all we can to protect the American people. And if you have a different view — obviously, some of you on this room — in this room have a different view, some of you on the front row have a different view.

Q We simply are asking a question.
Q What is the Vice President — what is the Vice President asking for?

MR. McCLELLAN: It’s spelled out in our statement of administration policy in terms of what our views are. That’s very public information. In terms of our discussions with members of Congress —

Q — no, it’s not –

MR. McCLELLAN: In terms of our members — like I said, there are already laws on the books that we have to adhere to and abide by, and we do. And we believe that those laws and those obligations address these issues.

Q So then why is the Vice President continuing to lobby on this issue? If you’re very happy with the laws on the books, what needs change?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, you asked me — you want to ask questions of the Vice President’s office, feel free to do that. We’ve made our position very clear, and it’s spelled out on our website for everybody to see.

Q We don’t need a website, we need you from the podium.*

Quantity

Q Why does the CIA need an exemption from the military?

MR. McCLELLAN: David, let’s talk about people that you’re talking about who have been brought to justice and captured. You’re talking about people like Khalid Shaykh Muhammad; people like Abu Zubaydah.

Q I’m asking you –

MR. McCLELLAN: No, this is facts about what you’re talking about.

Q Why does the CIA need an exemption from rules that would govern the conduct of our military in interrogation practices?

MR. McCLELLAN: There are already laws and rules that are on the books, and we follow those laws and rules. What we need to make sure is that we are able to carry out the war on terrorism as effectively as possible, not only —

Q What does that mean —

MR. McCLELLAN: What I’m telling you right now — not only to protect Americans from an attack, but to prevent an attack from happening in the first place. And, you bet, when we capture terrorist leaders, we are going to seek to find out information that will protect — that prevent attacks from happening in the first place. But we have an obligation to do so. Our military knows this; all people within the United States government know this. We have an obligation to do so in a way that is consistent with our laws and values.

Now, the people that you are bringing up — you’re talking about in the context, and I think it’s important for the American people to know, are people like Khalid Shaykh Muhammad, Abu Zubaydah, Ramzi Binalshibh — these are — these are dangerous killers.

Q So they’re all killers —
Q Did you ask for an exemption on torture? That’s a simple question, yes or no.

MR. McCLELLAN: No. And we have not. That’s what I told you at the beginning.

Implicature = Cheney asked for an exemption, White House is pissed that people are pissed, and there is much to obscure.

Does McClellan actually look at the transcripts of his briefings and think, “God I’m good.” In, like, a not-smarmy “I-am-the-ultimate-deceiver” kind of way??? For more McClellan fun, check out the Late Night Players’ “Wordy, Dirty, Absurdy.” Absurdly, wordily, dirtily brilliant.

*I also love that “Look at our website” is the PRESIDENT’S PRESS SECRETARY’S RESPONSE TO THE PRESS. O. M. G.

(I think that overall, it’s unintentional - but some of the hilarity is definitely intentional.)

wikiHow is “The How-To Manual That Anyone Can Write or Edit.”*

With your contributions, we can create a free resource that helps people by offering clear, concise solutions to the problems of everyday life. wikiHow currently contains 3240 articles written, edited, and maintained primarily by volunteers.

Currently on the “featured articles” listing are the following headlines:

Give a Small Dog a Bath
Make Your Own Worm Compost System
Accept Criticism While at Work
Make a Paper Hat
Draw Bubble Letters
Check Your Blood Pressure With a Sphygmomanometer

You see what I’m saying. Of interest to PC readers might be the articles on how to Teach English as a Foreign Language and Travel the World, Find British Family to Spend Some Time There to Improve English Language, Date Across a Language Barrier, Improve your Scrabble Score (ahem), Audition for a Play Without Dying or Being Too Terribly Damaged Emotionally, or Become a Count Olaf Clone. These were the immediate results given, at any rate, for a simple search on “language.”

OK. I’m going to go learn how to Write a Famous Blog.

*There is no article about how to Write a Concise Subtitle. I checked.